Quite often do I find myself thinking about those wonderful days from my childhood, when all I had to worry about was what game I was going to play next. Not another care in the world was on my shoulders and not another thought crossed my mind. Little did I know back then, that life itself is a game. A game in which one must play his/her cards right. It is a lesson I came across later on. Truth be told, it is a lesson I'm still working on. I'm adapting my strategy along the way, attempting to foresee as much as I can. It doesn't always work out but there's nothing new about that.
Routine is what I wish to avoid at all costs. The idea of empty spaces in my heart and abandoned places in my memory scares me the most. I do not wish to go through life without actually living it to the fullest. Instead of “On and on, do I have any idea what I'm looking for?” the question I'll do my best to answer is “How do I create memories to last a lifetime, each and every day?”
Do you remember the times when our parents asked us what we want to be when we grow up? Back then, I could never provide an exact answer. Now, I've changed the question. It's no longer about what I want to be, it's about what I want to live for. Such a simple question, isn't it? How about we try and find some answers. Does anybody know what we are looking for? Do we need a hero to save us from all these mindless crimes happening around us? Would we dare go behind the curtain, to take part in this macabre pantomime? If we had the chance to let the masks drop, would we be able to accept reality or would we choose to play along, following the same old rules? Just how much are we willing to take it anymore, I wonder...
My life was changed completely due to a system corrupt to the core. A system which has left deep scars on my body and soul. Scars which shall accompany me for the rest of my days. I've learned to accept my destiny and adapt my game depending on each set of cards I get, once a year.
My dear friends, the show must go on, whatever it takes, whatever happens, be it good or evil. The harsh truth is that there is no other way. There are days when my heart feels like it is going to shatter in a million pieces and tears burn my cheeks. However, these tears are not bitter enough to affect the smile plastered on my face. I'm talking about a smile given to me by a black haired angel and nothing shall ever make it fade away.
I've also realized that I'm such a hopeless romantic. It's all fun and games until hopeless romantic meets perfectionist mouse. That's when things get tricky. The romantic tells me to leave it all to chance and care about people to my heart's content. My perfectionist side disagrees and suggests that I should think, re-think, over-think, about each and every tiny detail regarding birth, death and everything else in between. The dialogue in my head sounds something along the lines of:
- This is beyond complicated. Focus on something else or you might end up suffering.
- What if it's worth suffering?
- You ask the strangest of questions. There's only one way to find out.
- Say no more.
As far as I remember, the last time I dared to chase my dreams, regardless of how difficult and complicated they were, I was beyond happy and I regret nothing. Furthermore, I would do it all again, if I had the chance to rewind the past. I guess I'm learning that certain moments last forever, even if they're gone in an instant. I must be warmer now, getting closer to my idea of happiness. Now, when I'm turning round the corner, engaging in a new phase of my life, I've come to realize the fact that my role of film (I prefer medium format) is made of moments, brilliant moments which could be one in a million years. I wish to focus on these particular specks of sand in my hourglass, in which I manage to co-exist with certain people, who have proven to play essential roles in the story of my life. I do believe that we encounter particular people for a reason. Whether or not we get to know more about this reason is beyond us. There is no such thing as coincidence. When it come to synchronicity, well now...that's another story. Things happen exactly when they should. Not an instant earlier or later.
I wonder if it's possible to focus on these precise moments, spent with the people we so deeply care about, without having to worry about what others think about our decisions and feelings. Is this too much to ask for? That particular moment in which we manage to find our dawn, and we embrace it without paying attention to what others have to say about our freedom, that's the moment in which we lose our heart ache, caused by our desire to be free.
Liberation has it's price and it's up to each and every one of us if we wish to pay it, in order to live by our heart's content. The show goes on, even if we allow ourselves to be free or not. However, I do think we're better of allowing our souls to be painted like the wings of butterflies, because we can really fly, my dear friends. The fairytales of yesterday shall grow, in our hearts and minds. It is in our power to nurture them so that they shall never fade away.
The show must by all means, go on. The present would not exist without the past, for it plays a crucial role in our stories. The fairytales of yesterday can also influence the scenarios of tomorrow so let us play the game of life, as well as we can. Along the way, let us not forget about the the best part: enjoying the show.
As I finish writing this 5th chapter, I cannot help but think about the new set of cards I've received on 22th of July 2016. It is the the 25th one and I do believe that it shall be a custom deck. There's something magical about the number 25. It marks a quarter of a decade and it is a number so small and yet so courageous. In my opinion, it marks the border between the burning desire of youth and the refreshing feeling of independence, characteristic to adulthood. I shall dare to have both: my youth which keeps me from going ever so slightly mad, and my independence which allows my inner child to run towards freedom without having to worry about failing, should I not find my dawn once more. After all, tomorrow is another day...
*The featured image belongs to Sami Matilla: link here. The song which inspired me to write this fifth chapter is: The show must go on by Queen. Dawn Coloured Hourglass is about enjoying each and every day of our existence.*